Jayhawk
December 5th, 2005, 9:29:14 AM
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
December 1<o:p></o:p>
TO: <st2:personname w:st="on"><st1:givenname w:st="on">ALL</st1:givenname> <st1:sn w:st="on">EMPLOYEES</st1:sn></st2:personname><o:p></o:p>
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on<o:p></o:p>
December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked<o:p></o:p>
eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing<o:p></o:p>
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to<o:p></o:p>
light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at<o:p></o:p>
that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and<o:p></o:p>
your family.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
<st2:personname w:st="on"><st1:givenname w:st="on">Patty</st1:givenname> <st1:sn w:st="on">Lewis</st1:sn></st2:personname><o:p></o:p>
Human Resources Director<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
----------------------------------------------<o:p></o:p>
December 2nd<o:p></o:p>
TO: <st2:personname w:st="on"><st1:givenname w:st="on">ALL</st1:givenname> <st1:sn w:st="on">EMPLOYEES</st1:sn></st2:personname><o:p></o:p>
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We<o:p></o:p>
recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with<o:p></o:p>
Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're<o:p></o:p>
calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are<o:p></o:p>
celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no<o:p></o:p>
Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
<st2:personname w:st="on"><st1:givenname w:st="on">Patty</st1:givenname> <st1:sn w:st="on">Lewis</st1:sn></st2:personname><o:p></o:p>
Human Resources Director<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
----------------------------------------------<o:p></o:p>
December 3rd<o:p></o:p>
TO: <st2:personname w:st="on"><st1:givenname w:st="on">ALL</st1:givenname> <st1:sn w:st="on">EMPLOYEES</st1:sn></st2:personname><o:p></o:p>
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics<o:p></o:p>
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this<o:p></o:p>
request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA<o:p></o:p>
Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts<o:p></o:p>
exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is<o:p></o:p>
too much money.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
<st2:personname w:st="on"><st1:givenname w:st="on">Patty</st1:givenname> <st1:sn w:st="on">Lewis</st1:sn></st2:personname><o:p></o:p>
Human Researchers Director<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
----------------------------------------------<o:p></o:p>
December 7th<o:p></o:p>
TO: <st2:personname w:st="on"><st1:givenname w:st="on">ALL</st1:givenname> <st1:sn w:st="on">EMPLOYEES</st1:sn></st2:personname><o:p></o:p>
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the<o:p></o:p>
dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. <st1:sn w:st="on">Gays</st1:sn> are<o:p></o:p>
allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each<o:p></o:p>
will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay<o:p></o:p>
men's table. Happy now?<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
<st2:personname w:st="on"><st1:givenname w:st="on">Patty</st1:givenname> <st1:sn w:st="on">Lewis</st1:sn></st2:personname><o:p></o:p>
Human Racehorses Director<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
----------------------------------------------<o:p></o:p>
December 9th<o:p></o:p>
TO: <st2:personname w:st="on"><st1:givenname w:st="on">ALL</st1:givenname> <st1:sn w:st="on">EMPLOYEES</st1:sn></st2:personname><o:p></o:p>
People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play<o:p></o:p>
Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "<st1:sn w:st="on">Satan</st1:sn>," there<o:p></o:p>
is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
<st2:personname w:st="on"><st1:givenname w:st="on">Patty</st1:givenname> <st1:sn w:st="on">Lewis</st1:sn></st2:personname><o:p></o:p>
Human Ratraces<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
----------------------------------------------<o:p></o:p>
December 10th<o:p></o:p>
TO: <st2:personname w:st="on"><st1:givenname w:st="on">ALL</st1:givenname> <st1:sn w:st="on">EMPLOYEES</st1:sn></st2:personname><o:p></o:p>
Vegetarians! I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party<o:p></o:p>
at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the<o:p></o:p>
table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get<o:p></o:p>
salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have<o:p></o:p>
feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm<o:p></o:p>
hearing them right now...Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive<o:p></o:p>
drunk and die, you hear me?<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
The B_ _ch from Hell<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
----------------------------------------------<o:p></o:p>
December 14th<o:p></o:p>
TO: <st2:personname w:st="on"><st1:givenname w:st="on">ALL</st1:givenname> <st1:sn w:st="on">EMPLOYEES</st1:sn></st2:personname><o:p></o:p>
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing <st2:personname w:st="on"><st1:givenname w:st="on">Patty</st1:givenname> <st1:sn w:st="on">Lewis</st1:sn></st2:personname> a speedy recovery from<o:p></o:p>
her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at<o:p></o:p>
the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our<o:p></o:p>
Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of<o:p></o:p>
the 23rd off with full pay.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Happy Holidays!<o:p></o:p>
<st2:personname w:st="on"><st1:givenname w:st="on">Terri</st1:givenname> <st1:sn w:st="on">Bishop</st1:sn></st2:personname><o:p></o:p>
Acting Human Resources Director
<o:p> </o:p>
December 1<o:p></o:p>
TO: <st2:personname w:st="on"><st1:givenname w:st="on">ALL</st1:givenname> <st1:sn w:st="on">EMPLOYEES</st1:sn></st2:personname><o:p></o:p>
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on<o:p></o:p>
December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked<o:p></o:p>
eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing<o:p></o:p>
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to<o:p></o:p>
light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at<o:p></o:p>
that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and<o:p></o:p>
your family.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
<st2:personname w:st="on"><st1:givenname w:st="on">Patty</st1:givenname> <st1:sn w:st="on">Lewis</st1:sn></st2:personname><o:p></o:p>
Human Resources Director<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
----------------------------------------------<o:p></o:p>
December 2nd<o:p></o:p>
TO: <st2:personname w:st="on"><st1:givenname w:st="on">ALL</st1:givenname> <st1:sn w:st="on">EMPLOYEES</st1:sn></st2:personname><o:p></o:p>
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We<o:p></o:p>
recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with<o:p></o:p>
Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're<o:p></o:p>
calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are<o:p></o:p>
celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no<o:p></o:p>
Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
<st2:personname w:st="on"><st1:givenname w:st="on">Patty</st1:givenname> <st1:sn w:st="on">Lewis</st1:sn></st2:personname><o:p></o:p>
Human Resources Director<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
----------------------------------------------<o:p></o:p>
December 3rd<o:p></o:p>
TO: <st2:personname w:st="on"><st1:givenname w:st="on">ALL</st1:givenname> <st1:sn w:st="on">EMPLOYEES</st1:sn></st2:personname><o:p></o:p>
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics<o:p></o:p>
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this<o:p></o:p>
request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA<o:p></o:p>
Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts<o:p></o:p>
exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is<o:p></o:p>
too much money.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
<st2:personname w:st="on"><st1:givenname w:st="on">Patty</st1:givenname> <st1:sn w:st="on">Lewis</st1:sn></st2:personname><o:p></o:p>
Human Researchers Director<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
----------------------------------------------<o:p></o:p>
December 7th<o:p></o:p>
TO: <st2:personname w:st="on"><st1:givenname w:st="on">ALL</st1:givenname> <st1:sn w:st="on">EMPLOYEES</st1:sn></st2:personname><o:p></o:p>
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the<o:p></o:p>
dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. <st1:sn w:st="on">Gays</st1:sn> are<o:p></o:p>
allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each<o:p></o:p>
will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay<o:p></o:p>
men's table. Happy now?<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
<st2:personname w:st="on"><st1:givenname w:st="on">Patty</st1:givenname> <st1:sn w:st="on">Lewis</st1:sn></st2:personname><o:p></o:p>
Human Racehorses Director<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
----------------------------------------------<o:p></o:p>
December 9th<o:p></o:p>
TO: <st2:personname w:st="on"><st1:givenname w:st="on">ALL</st1:givenname> <st1:sn w:st="on">EMPLOYEES</st1:sn></st2:personname><o:p></o:p>
People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play<o:p></o:p>
Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "<st1:sn w:st="on">Satan</st1:sn>," there<o:p></o:p>
is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
<st2:personname w:st="on"><st1:givenname w:st="on">Patty</st1:givenname> <st1:sn w:st="on">Lewis</st1:sn></st2:personname><o:p></o:p>
Human Ratraces<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
----------------------------------------------<o:p></o:p>
December 10th<o:p></o:p>
TO: <st2:personname w:st="on"><st1:givenname w:st="on">ALL</st1:givenname> <st1:sn w:st="on">EMPLOYEES</st1:sn></st2:personname><o:p></o:p>
Vegetarians! I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party<o:p></o:p>
at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the<o:p></o:p>
table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get<o:p></o:p>
salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have<o:p></o:p>
feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm<o:p></o:p>
hearing them right now...Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive<o:p></o:p>
drunk and die, you hear me?<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
The B_ _ch from Hell<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
----------------------------------------------<o:p></o:p>
December 14th<o:p></o:p>
TO: <st2:personname w:st="on"><st1:givenname w:st="on">ALL</st1:givenname> <st1:sn w:st="on">EMPLOYEES</st1:sn></st2:personname><o:p></o:p>
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing <st2:personname w:st="on"><st1:givenname w:st="on">Patty</st1:givenname> <st1:sn w:st="on">Lewis</st1:sn></st2:personname> a speedy recovery from<o:p></o:p>
her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at<o:p></o:p>
the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our<o:p></o:p>
Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of<o:p></o:p>
the 23rd off with full pay.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Happy Holidays!<o:p></o:p>
<st2:personname w:st="on"><st1:givenname w:st="on">Terri</st1:givenname> <st1:sn w:st="on">Bishop</st1:sn></st2:personname><o:p></o:p>
Acting Human Resources Director