Gagne interview

[Orange Nation]

Dan Patrick was able to catch up with Dodger closer Eric Gagne at a nearby restaurant.

Dan Patrick: I guess the most important question Dodger fans want to know, is how your brother is doing?

Eric Gagne: My brother?

DP: Yeah, your brother Greg Gagne. He played for the Dodgers back in '96.

EG: We aren't related. His last name is pronounced GAG-nee. My name is pronounced the French way.

DP: I'm glad you brought up that you're Canadian. Does it bother you when your teammates call you a frostback?

EG: My teammates haven't called me a frostback.

DP: Don't be naïve, Eric. They've also called you "Fatty Gagne," "Canadian Sumo," and "El Jefe Gordo."

A waitress shows up with our food order. Gagne's plate consists of a porterhouse the size of a phonebook, mashed potatoes and gravy, steamed vegetables, corn on the cob, biscuits, BBQ pork ribs, baked beans, coleslaw, a side of pork chops and some apple sauce. Dan gets a roast beef sandwich.

EG: Just a little snack before dinner.

DP: What's up with that accent of yours?

EG: I didn't learn English until I was in junior college in Oklahoma.

DP: Learn English? I thought you said you were Canadian?

EG: I'm from the French speaking part of Canada.

DP: When you were growing up, who did you look up to?

EG: I enjoyed watching Guy Carboneau, Eric Desjardins, John LeClair—

DP: Whoah, whoah, whoah. What's with all the Frenchies? Are they minor league players?

EG: No, they played hockey for the Montreal Canadiens when I was a kid.

DP: Hockey? Oh, Eric we can't put that in the interview. People will think you're a stupid frostback.

EG: Frostback, ay?

DP: And you got some beans in your goatee.

Gagne runs his fingers through his beard causing a large serving of beans to cascade down on to his plate.

DP: What's it like in the bullpen? Who do you hang out with?

EG: I usually hang out in the dugout for the first seven innings. If I'm in the 'pen, I have to fight Wilson Alvarez for food. In the dugout, I can do whatever I want.

DP: Who do you hang with in the bullpen?

EG: I like hanging with Paul Shuey and Paul Shuey's friend…you know, Martin something.

DP: Let's talk about your streak.

EG: Eighty-four consecutive converted save opportunities is certainly something that I am proud of. But I don't really care about individual achievements. I care more about-

DP: I'm talking about your streak of two and half seasons of wearing that diseased hat.

EG: The hat is actually brand new. Everybody thinks its old but I put on a new one every game and I sweat through it during my warm-up tosses in the bullpen. I have a bad gland problem.

DP: Thanks for your time, Eric. Anything else you'd like to add?

EG: Are you going to eat that?

[Orange Nation]

Here's more:

Spring Training 2005.

Jeff Kent pulls up at the far end of five urinals in the Dodgertown clubhouse. Seconds later, John Shelby, the Dodgers' 1B coach, occupies the urinal directly next to Jeff Kent.

John Shelby: 'Sup, Jeff. How's it hanging?

Jeff Kent: Uh, it's hanging fine. Look, did you really need to take the urinal directly next to me? I'm having a hard time going now.

JS: Yes, for the sake of this interview.

JK: Interview?

JS: Yeah, the Dodgers stuck it in my contract. I'm one of the "Johns" in the new "John in the john" series. Turns out there are very few of us in Dodger history.

JK: Interesting. Can we do this later?

JS: Nope. It's gotta be in the john. So, I saw you with ice on your knee after yesterday's game. What happened?

JK: It's fine. It's just a little swollen from running.

JS: You sure it didn't happen while washing your truck?

JK: Funny. Hadn't heard that one before.

JS: Even though you're a former Giant, I think the L.A. fans will welcome you. After all, you stood up to Barry Bonds in that infamous "Slugout in the Dugout" a few years back.

JK: People have made too big a deal about that. Barry went into one his steroid-induced rages and I had had enough of him and his big head.

JS: So you're confirming that Barry Bonds did steroids?

JK: Oh yeah. He did everything from steroids to growth hormones to animal tranquilizers. Anything he could get his hands on he would inject into himself. I once caught him injecting maple syrup.

JS: What do you think about the 2005 Dodgers team?

JK: I'm excited. I think we have great starting pitching. That number 38 in the bullpen has some nasty stuff. The fat-lefty guy who pitches does a good job mixing up his pitches. I don't know his name but I've been calling him Fernando.

JS: The guys in the clubhouse say you're running a close second to Jose Valentin for the best porn-stache on the team.

JK: For the last time, this isn't a porn-stache. This is a redneck mustache. This is the mustache you see on the police officer who pulls you over or on the guy in the pick-up truck with the confederate flag painted on the back window. I'm tired of people calling it a porn-stache.

JS: I'll make you a deal. I'll quit calling it a porn-stache if you quit calling me T-boner.

JK: Deal.

JS: You still peeing?

JK: Just finished.

JS: Good, me too. Let's shake on it.

Shelby and Kent each give a synchronized shake before zipping up.

[ckg68]

I'm surprised Dan didn't drop the Goggles Pisano reference on Eric.