Read a Joke, Leave a Joke

[BillsGirl1040]

Here's mine, its long, but good:) (many of your probably know it already)

Applying for a Job at the CIA


A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

[K-Gun]

Great thread:

So I was driving through Cornell the other day when I saw a building marked, “School of Logic.” I was with a friend who had a grad school interview that day, and we planned to party that night with some friends that go there.

Since I had a bunch of time to kill I told my buddy I was going to check out the “School of Logic,” and he should meet me there after his interview.

I went in and looked around; it wasn’t long before I bumped into a professor. I asked him if he taught logic, and he went into a long diatribe about its importance in everyday life. Just to play the devils advocate I asked him to prove it to me. So he began a long series of questions to prove to me that logic was an essential part of every day life.

Strangely, the first thing he asked me was, “do you have a lawn mower?”

I said, “yes I do.”

“Well, if you have a lawn mower, than you probably have a lawn.”

“Yes, I do have a lawn professor.”

“And if you have a lawn, you probably have a house.”

“Yes, I have my own home.”

“And if you own a home, there is a good probability that you are married?”

“Yes, we’ve been married for about a year.”

“you see, by asking an obscure question about a lawnmower I was able to deduce, through the use of logic, that you’re a married, home owning man.”

I laughed, and then thanked the professor for his insight.

A little while latter my friend came back from his interview. It seemed to go well. And then he asked me, “Did you learn anything in there?”

“oh, yeah,” I said. “Let me explain to you how logic is important to every day life.”

“OK,” he said.

“Do you have a lawnmower?”

“No.”

"****ing f@ggot!”

[LVBillsfan]

Here's a dumb one--------
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? ---- Dam :roll:

[pigpen65]

A little dirty. "Please skip over if you are easily offended."

Two gay guys hanging around at home. First one says to the other, "Let's play hide and go seek. If you find me, i'll give you oral." Second guy says, "okay, but what if i can't find you?" First one says, "well,, i'll be hiding behind the piano."

[BillsGirl1040]

Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a ****."

The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and ****."

The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass." The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"

The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"

He left and came back with **** all over his hands and clothes.

His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"

The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"

lol i've never seen a blonde joke with guys instead of girls...:)

[BillsGirl1040]

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."

The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed."

Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed."

The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

(wanted to leave another kinda funny one)

[YardRat]

Two men were waiting in their hospital room, both getting prepped for a vasectomy. A nurse walks in, goes to the second cot, lifts up the man's gown and begins "massaging" his member. "What the hell is this?" the man asked the nurse. "Settle down", she replied, "It's all part of the pre-op. You need to be thoroughly "cleansed" before the operation."

After finishing with him, the nurse went over to the first cot, lifted up the other man's gown, and began performing oral sex. "Hey, wait a second!" exclaimed the man in the second cot. "How come he gets THAT and all I got was a "massage."?"

"That's the difference between having an HMO and Blue Cross, Blue Shield" replied the nurse.

[Henry4MVP]

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth, and listens to the dog's heartbeat.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

The man, shocked, asks "What?!? Just because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy," the doctor replied.

[BillsGirl1040]

Maybe offensive to some, funny to others

http://www.laughs.com.au/Laughs/LOTD265.htm

[BillsGirl1040]

Dumb Laws (in MA, i figured i'd pick on my own state first...) Most are just random...

*Tomatoes may not be used in the production of clam chowder.

*It is unlawful to injure a football goal post, doing so is punishable by a $200 fine.

*It's illegal to sell fewer than 24 ducklings at a time before May 1, or to sell rabbits, chicks, or ducklings that have been painted a different color. (MGL Chapter 272 Section 80D)

*Defacing a milk carton is punishable by a $10 fine.

*It is illegal to frighten a pigeon.

*An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.

Laws in Boston...

*No one may take a bath without a prescription.

*Duels to the death permitted on the common on Sundays provided that the Governor is present.

*No one may cross the Boston Common without carrying a shotgun in case of bears.

In Longmeadow...

*It is illegal for two men to carry a bathtub across the town green.

Marlboro

*One may not detonate a nuclear device in the city.

*Silly string is illegal in the city limits.

*It is illegal to buy, sell or possess a squirt gun.

[Jro]

how do they separate the men from the boys in san Francisco?

a crowbar

[nehemiah]

this one's funnier read aloud, but:

what do you call a fish with no eyes? a fsh. :)

[HURLS]

2 pigs fell in the mud. 3 came out.

[dogginbox]

there's 3 men at a hotel, there's a bar on the rooftop. they're at the bar throwin down drinks, gettin cocked shootin the shat.

they move near the ledge and one of the guys says "ya know there's this magical force that if you jumped over the ledge it would carry you all the way back up to the roof".

one of the other guys replies "BS, youre freakin cocked". the guy then replies back "no really, ill prove it to you".

sure enough the guy jumps off the roof and magically comes right back up. the guy that thought it was BS is shocked and says "no way, you rigged something up ".

so the guy that jumped then says "no man i swear i didnt ill prove it ill jump from a different spot ".

sure enough he jumps over the ledge again and yet again this magical force brings him back up to the rooftop.

the guy that didnt believe it, completely shocked finally says "ohh man i gotta try this, i cant believe this"?!!?!?

sure enough the guy jumps over the ledge and......plummettes to his death.

the other guy standing there watching all this then says "ya know? youre a real ass when youre drunk superman"!!!

[35Pete]

A guy walks into a gay bar and stands in front of a barstool to order a drink. Another walks up and says "Mind if I push your stool in?"

[dogginbox]

got another superman one.


superman is flying by the beach one day, and he sees wonder woman laying on the beach completely nude catching some sun.

so he thinks to himself "man id love to hit that, she is so hot". then he gets an idea "i could fly down there and hit that real easy, im superman ill use my super speed".

so superman flys down to wonder woman like a speeding bullet, does his business real quick and unnoticeable and flys away.

then the invible man gets off of wonder woman and screams "damn my ass hurts"!!!!!!

[HURLS]

When is it bedtime at the Neverland Ranch? When the big hand's on the little hand.

You here McDonalds new sandwich? The McJackson. A 40 year old piece of meat between 2 10 year old buns.

[35Pete]

When is it bedtime at the Neverland Ranch? When the big hand's on the little hand.

You here McDonalds new sandwich? The McJackson. A 40 year old piece of meat between 2 10 year old buns.
:rofl: !!!

[Darksyde]

Why do dogs lick themselves?

because they can right?....wrong

Because they cant make a fist

[jaymitch84]

Three major computer company employees pissing in a bathroom, one from IBM, one from Microsoft, one from Apple. The guy from IBM finishes and walks over and washes his hands.

"At IBM, we are very thorough with our work" he says as he scrubs away.

The guy from Microsoft washes his hands then uses only one paper towel to dry off. "While thorough, we at Microsoft are also very efficient."

The guy from Apple finishes and as he walks out the door he says: "At Apple, we don't pee on our hands!"

[CoachC.]

1. Two cannibals were eating a clown. One looked at the other and said, "Does this taste funny to you?"

2. Q) Where did Michael Jackson go to college?

A) Bring'em Young.

[BillsGirl1040]

Ponderings collection 01
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

[BeastMode Deep]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

[Vessel17]

Have you heard the one about the gay midget? He came out of the cupboard...

[BillsGirl1040]

Not exactly funny...but thats alright (dont scroll all the way down until you read the top part)

This is a story about a Girl

she goes to the funeral of her mother where she meets a guy and falls in love with him. She believes he is her dream guy.

A few days later she kills her sister

What was her motive?

(scroll down when you have your answer)












Answer: She was hoping the guy would appear at her sisters funeral.

If you got this test right, you think like a psychopath. And if you answered wrong, Great Job!

This test was designed to to determine if a persons mentality is similar to a killers. Many arrested serial killers answered this question correctly...

[dogginbox]

Not exactly funny...but thats alright (dont scroll all the way down until you read the top part)

This is a story about a Girl

she goes to the funeral of her mother where she meets a guy and falls in love with him. She believes he is her dream guy.

A few days later she kills her sister

What was her motive?

(scroll down when you have your answer)












Answer: She was hoping the guy would appear at her sisters funeral.

If you got this test right, you think like a psychopath. And if you answered wrong, Great Job!

This test was designed to to determine if a persons mentality is similar to a killers. Many arrested serial killers answered this question correctly...

whoah, thats deep

[CDNBillsFan]

An unmarried woman, 8 months pregnant, has an appointment with her gynecologist. Afterwards, he asks what she plans to call her baby, which is a girl.

"Samantha" she exclaims. "I have 6 daughters already and they are all named Samantha".

Perplexed, he asks, "But what happens when you are going in the car?".

"Simple", she says, "I just say, "Samantha, lets go" and they all come running".


"Well, what happens when you want to call them for dinner?", he asks.

"I just say, "Samantha, dinner" and they all come running", she exclaims.


"But what happens", he next asks, "when you want to talk to only one of them?"

"No problem there", she answers, "I just call her by her last name!!"

[CDNBillsFan]

Not exactly funny...but thats alright (dont scroll all the way down until you read the top part)

This is a story about a Girl

she goes to the funeral of her mother where she meets a guy and falls in love with him. She believes he is her dream guy.

A few days later she kills her sister

What was her motive?

(scroll down when you have your answer)












Answer: She was hoping the guy would appear at her sisters funeral.

If you got this test right, you think like a psychopath. And if you answered wrong, Great Job!

This test was designed to to determine if a persons mentality is similar to a killers. Many arrested serial killers answered this question correctly...


That is deep!! I am glad I answered wrong.

[dogginbox]

"A pirate walks into a bar with a Steering Wheel tied around his waist. Bartender asks him what the wheel is all about and the Pirate says, 'Aaaaarg it's driving me nuts'"

[2005 is the year!]

"A pirate walks into a bar with a Steering Wheel tied around his waist. Bartender asks him what the wheel is all about and the Pirate says, 'Aaaaarg it's driving me nuts'"
A pirate, a priest, a minister, a rabbi, a horse, a monkey, an indian, and a beautiful woman walk into a bar together. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

[Soviet_Canuckastani]

Why did Michael Jackson call BoyzIIMen?

He thought it was a delivery service.

[BillsGirl1040]

None For You

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.
“Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.”

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”

[BillsGirl1040]

S & M

One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine.
This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. So she asked him, "What should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

[SweetLee8 3PlayaWha?]

Une relee meen guuy seyz 2 anudder relee meen guy, hey ur meen

den da furst meen guy seyz, listen buddee, ur nuffin but a gud fur nuffin trickstur

den da relee meen guy seyz , lisen budee, ur getin nufin fur crismaz, den da meener guy seys, ahm santa clawz and gezz wat? ur nuffin but a ranedeer, den

da relee meen guyz bothh steel sum litul kidz cocaa coley but den a nice guy sevez dem de end

[K-Gun]

The Dr. called my buddy Bob’s house the other day with some bad news.

Apparently his wife had some tests come back with some curious results.

The Dr. wasn’t exactly sure what the problem was, but he related two distinct possibilities over the phone. Bob’s wife was sure to have either HIV or early onset of Alzheimer’s.

Of course she had to come in immediately for further testing to find out for sure.

Before hanging up, the Dr. asked to speak with Bob.

He told him, “Listen Bob, I really need you to drive you wife to this appointment. She’s going to be in no condition to drive afterwards. Plus, there’s something else I need you to do.”

“Sure thing doc,” Bob replied. “What is it?”

“Well Bob, there’s another problem with the test; it can take up to a month for the results. So what I want you to do is stop at a gas station after,”

“A gas station, why would I do that?” Bob interrupted.

“Listen carefully. If you want to know the prognosis this afternoon, stop at a gas station on the way home and send your wife into pay.”

“Um, OK.”

“Then, when she’s inside, quickly drive away.”

“What, why the hell would I do that?”

“That way you’ll know if she has HIV or Alzheimer’s. If she finds her way home don’t **** her.”

[markythebill]

Police today raided Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch. They found class A drugs in the bathroom, class B drugs in the kitchen, and Class 3C in the bedroom.

[dogginbox]

the police arrested oprah winfrey today. they lifted up her skirt and found 500 lbs of crack

[Victor7]

This really hot wife is talking to the post man, he tells her its his last week and that he's retiring. Teh wife tells the husband so maybe he can give the good old postman something for all the years he served them.

Last day on the job for the postman, he delivers the mail and the hot wife asks him if he want to come in. He does they have rocking sex and then she serves him breakfast. The post man is amazed and ask the woman why she did all that. She reples " Well I told my husband we should give you something for all your years and he said, "oh fuq him, give him a couple bucks", breakfast was my idea.

[Stealth01]

Heard this on BLade Trinity the other day:

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

See you in 28 days.

[BillsGirl1040]

Best Headlines of 2002

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

[BillsGirl1040]

Actual Label Instructions...

1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."

2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(Evidently, the shoplifter special.)

3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And how would that be?)

4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost."
(But it's just a suggestion, after all.)

5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down."
(Oops, too late!)

6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
(Thanks for the warning; I would hate to be caught off guard by something like that.)

7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
(NOW you tell me?)

8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope so, wouldn't they?)

10. On a box of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)

11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious)

12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts."
(hmmmm...isn't that why you bought them?)

13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: Fly Delta)

14. On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".
(Well, that was a waste of 15 bucks.)

[BillsGirl1040]

Funny Signs

IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs

IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)

OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.

SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car!

SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)

SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

SPOTTED ON A SIGN IN SCOTLAND: Eat here and you'll never live to regret it.

[The REAL Bling]

Roscoe Parrish and Willis McGahee walk opposite ways down the road. Roscoe and Willis finally meet up at Poultry Road. Willis notices Roscoe has a bag in his hand, and
Willis asks: "Yo Roscoe, whatcha got in the bag, dahwg?"
Roscoe says: "Cheegens."
Willis then asks: "Where can I get me some of those Cheegens?"
Roscoe says: "Coach Muuhlerkey was given um out during practicez...and I gotz the last onez"
Willis frowns in disappointment because he missed the chickens AND practice...Roscoe notices his friend Willis is sad and says "Yo Willis, if you can guess how many Cheegens I got, I'll give ya both of them."
Roscoe looks up with a smile on his face and shouts: "FIVAH"

[markythebill]

Why did the siamese twins go on vacation in England?



Because the other one wanted a go at driving the car.