Local Writers Infiltrate the Church of Scientology (hilarious)

[K-Gun]

“Hey! Do you want to watch a free movie?” a spry older woman shouted at my back, pouncing onto the sidewalk at the corner of Virginia and Main. For some time at The BEAST, we’d been toying with the idea of infiltrating The Church of Scientology. Recognizing an opportunity, I turned, cordially introduced myself as “Robert Stevens,” and told the woman that a free movie would be “awesome.” Smiling broadly, she said her name was Zonnie. I could feel the power of Scientology oozing from her chapped face. I would come to like Zonnie, an ex-choreographer from the west coast who curses abundantly when riled. After some small talk, I was led through an ornate, vaulted lobby to an intimate twenty-seat projection-screen theater. Zonnie pushed a few buttons on a wall console and said she’d be back in about half an hour, leaving me alone in blackness. For a moment, panic washed over me as I imagined the room filling with poison gas. Then the movie started.


http://buffalobeast.com/110/cult_classic_scientology.htm

[sukie]

Thanks for that JKig... I needed a good laugh before work this morning. Very funny.

[Lucidvizion]

That was awesome.

[deconstruction]

“Okay, we’re done here,” she ordered. I kept asking Teresa about the party, and she kept saying we were “done.” If life is a game, as Scientologists are fond of saying, the clock was running out with no clear victor. “Are you telling me we’re not welcome here?” I asked, feigning dismay. “No you are not,” she said, driving a stake through our partying hearts. The room fell totally silent. We all seemed to be waiting for someone else to make the next move. Seizing the moment, Bunting raised his arms robotically, drawing everyone’s attention, and roared, “Hulk want PARTY!!!”

Classic

[35Pete]

JK. We're on it. But those pesky thetans are too clever. Seem to get past the firewall every time.

[GOPchick]

This was pretty funny.

I live in the Scientology Capital of the world! In HS we had a scavenger hunt and had to take one of their name badges.

We used to throw water balloons at them too!

They are just weord people to watch walk all over downtown Clearwater. They never speak to each other and they always have Navy pants on with a Blue button up shirt.....weird......

[Mouldsie]

haha great read